i don’t know, i don’t know…

Oh, by the way, I’m a reality television star.

Last week I was sitting around holed up in my apartment and I texted little Mikey something to the effect of “I’m bored, help.” Surprisingly, my text was not ignored, and I was actually graced not only with a response but with a PLAN. He informed me that I’d be joining him and his boyfriend at a gallery opening and that I didn’t have a choice in the matter.

I hoofed it down to the Lower East Side and met Mikey outside this mess of I line. There were people with clipboards and camera equipment and I was like, “Oh lordy, I don’t know if I can do this.” Mike explained that from what he heard some sort of MTV show reality show was filming and my first thought was, “Real World Brooklyn…? Let’s leave.” We then found out:

BAM! Now we’re talking. Without Tivo I have not really been able to sit through full episodes of The Hills anymore since I can’t justify all those commercials and blank stares and chewing without a fast forward button. For those not in the know, Whitney Port of The Hills is getting her own spin-off called The City based in… you guessed it: New York City. She never really played any role in the original series other than a tool for exposition but she at least seemed to be the least brainless (except that I’m convinced Lauren is secretly smart but that she plays down her intelligence because, like, that’s what girls are supposed to do, duh).

ANYWAYS, we had to sign waivers, take pictures, and were led into this very crowded studio with a pretty awesome DJ and FREE open bar (HELLO!). The art was cool, I met the artist, whatever blah blah blah. He said something like “Yeah, I don’t know what these cameras are all about, I don’t really pay attention to any of that MTV stuff.” Ok, yeah I know, you’re so alternative, I get it.

Whitney eventually showed up with this weird bedazzled headband thing worn around her forehead with some other girl who I recognize from the show but have no idea what her name is. She talked to some ~important people~. I’m sure Mike, Richard, and myself were in the background of at least some of her conversations but who knows. The three of us were definitely not cool enough for the party. I was “day look” J Crew-ed out from head to toe and feeling particularly heinous that day anyway, so we didn’t stay long and ended up having an incredible and CHEAP meal at Cooper 35. They had an amazing drink selection all for $4. UNHEARD of. I had a decent mojito served in huge pint glass.

I’m not sure when exactly I’ll make my reality television debut, but we’ll see what happens.

So today I had a lunch meeting at the Four Seasons restaurant without realizing I was going to be eating there.

Apparently I was missing the jacket necessary to dine at the fine establishment. The maitre d’ gave me one. Embarrassing. …but I was there before the other guests, I guess that counts for something? Luckily I was dressed properly otherwise?

I went home to look up their website and found this:

…which I’m sure they put there so you don’t feel as stupid when you go home after eating there to check the dress code after having to borrow a sport jacket.

So I recently finished the first FIVE star book I’ve read this year. The Handmaid’s Tale. Holy Moly.

Going into this book, I knew very little about it. I knew it was a “modern classic.” I knew it was about ~women’s issues~. I knew it had a funny cover with this huge brick wall and what looked like nuns. That’s about it.

I typically prefer books that take place in our reality or are unabashedly occurring in a completely fictional universe — not this scenario which is an imagined future. That’s one of the first things you learn when reading this book: the world was our world but there has been a drastic change that results in a shift of the roles of men and women in society. The protagonist is “Offred” which is her new given name representing the man she has been assigned to (i.e. of Fred). She is one of the best narrative voices I’ve encountered in a while. Offred is quick, funny, and sympathetic.

The story jumps back and forth from her life before “the change” happened, her time during the training she endured for her new life, and her experiences as the handmaid Offred. I really don’t want to give too much away, but essentially women have been stripped of power to a varying degree (depending what sect they belong to) by a totalitarian and theocratic government, and if they are to stray from their duties they risk an even worse life in a sort of interment camp or death. I really don’t want to ruin anything else because a lot of the enjoyment from the book comes from its surprised.

If you’ve read the book, let me just say one of my favorite parts was when Offred reaction to her husband’s reaction of when she lost her job and access to her bank account. Wow.

***

And this brings us to my new guilty pleasure. Beyonce latest lead single: If I Were a Boy. Very uncharacteristic for Beyonce to lead with a ballad (although she simultaneously released Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It) which isn’t getting as much attention). My first impression of it was “Oh God, this is so Big Girls Don’t Cry…” Surprise, surprise: it’s co-written by the guy behind “Big Girls Don’t Cry.”

ANYWAYS, it’s really grown on me. Maybe concurrently reading Handmaid’s Tale when the song came out made me susceptible to its “plight of women” message. I am SO excited for the new CD, and I’m loving how it is being split into discs — the “I am… Beyonce” disc and the “I am… Sasha Fierce” disc. Here’s the interesting vid: